Meeting my Children Where They Are
A personal goal to channel my inner child
By Taylor
Oliver and I are traveling this week. We are on a road trip of sorts, stopping in various places throughout the tri-state area to visit with friends and family. Something happened yesterday, a seemingly insignificant incident, that has had me thinking about my own parenting style and has ultimately led me to set the goal to channel my inner child more than I currently do. In the middle of this long day of traveling, we took a break and found a playground. As we were leaving, Ollie and I were holding hands and running as fast as he could, yelling, “run, run, run!”. Running is his new favorite activity as he’s discovered his body’s ability to move fast, and he loves to run at any opportunity. As we were doing this, a family arrived at the playground. The mom looked at us, smiled, and said, “I wish I had your energy!,” to which I awkwardly muttered something like, “I’m trying really hard…”. She responded, telling me, “Well you’re making it look good!”, and I thanked her.
Have you ever been around that “fun parent’? Perhaps you are one of them. My dad was one of them throughout my childhood, always up for running, laughing, being silly, and generally having a wild time. (My mom is amazing, and truly fun in many ways as well, but I think sometimes dads get to be the “fun” parent when moms are the ones being largely concerned with the day-to-day responsibilities of raising children. I know not every family runs this way, but mine did). Chances are, if you don’t consider yourself to be one of those “fun” parents, you’ve spotted some of them and wondered how they do it. How do they find the energy? I don’t consider myself to be this type of parent in general, and often marvel at those who are. In fact, my husband James, is exceptional at dropping whatever he’s doing to run, jump, sing, and laugh with Oliver at a moment’s notice.
However, this brief encounter at the playground left me wondering why I don’t just let go and play like a child with Oliver more often. It has also led me toward beginning to re-frame the way I view different parenting situations. You see, before this trip, I was very nervous. I was embarking on over a week of traveling alone with my 20-month-old. We’ve done it before, but not for quite so long, and not with so many different stops and activities along the way. But I was mostly nervous for selfish reasons. Would I get too tired? Would I be able to keep him happy in the car and not have stressful car rides? Would we sleep well in each new place? While I was, of course, concerned with Oliver’s well-being on the trip, I have realized that most of my concerns came from a self-centered point of view. As parents of very young children, we are usually the ones to make the choices about exactly what we do and when we do it, as our kids can’t effectively communicate their desires. Furthermore, it’s more convenient and enjoyable for us to do exactly what we want when we want. Our kids are often just along for the ride.
But as I was running with him on the playground, I began to think about ways to let my children have more input in what we do. After all, if my priority is taking care of him and keeping us safe while traveling, his priority is his play. It was such a simple act, but when I experienced how much fun he was having, and how much this act honored him for exactly who he is right now, I wanted to commit to doing things like it more often. Now, Oliver had no say in taking this trip with me. It’s incredibly important to us as parents that he spends valuable time with his grandparents, aunts, uncles, and close friends when he’s young because we think relationships with loved ones are one of the most important roads to happiness. What he does have a say in, though, is what we do in certain moments. I thought about something Stefan Molyneux says in his short video, A Philosopher as Parent, Part 1. He points out that our children didn’t get to choose us, so he strives to be the parent that his daughter would choose if she could. I thought about all the times Oliver has asked me to run, or jump, or do something silly when I’ve been too tired or at least performed a very wimpy version of what he was hoping for. And then I began to think about how much it means to our children when we take even just a few minutes to meet them where they are and just play with them in the exact ways that they enjoy playing. And I don’t mean sitting on the floor with them and remotely engaging in building a block tower. This is surely an effort, and so much better than nothing, but I am talking about really playing. Lawrence Cohen writes about this in his book, Playful Parenting, because he has seen the power of engaging in this type of play with children and the positive effect that it has in so many aspects of their lives. So last night, after thinking on this, and talking about it over the phone with James, Oliver and I went and ran up and down the hallways of our hotel for half an hour upon Oliver’s request to, “run!”
James sometimes asks me about my goals for the upcoming month. My primary goal for March is to really work on shifting my approach to how I play with my son. I want to work towards the point where I am truly meeting him where he is and doing exactly what he wants to be doing at least for some time each day. And I want this to become a habit, a way of being. James said something poignant during our conversation, which is that adults don’t necessarily have such a significantly lower amount of energy than children, but that we just get into the habit of being less openly enthusiastic and more reserved. I am thinking that perhaps we got here because adults didn’t just get down and really play with us as much as we needed when we were little. Or maybe adults told us to stop being silly when our “silliness” was having no negative effect on anyone or anything. Or maybe the stresses of the real world really do make it tough to do this at times. But I want something different for my children. And as an extra perk, I actually had a lot of fun running with Oliver and I think that as I get into a rhythm of being more playful with him, it will become easier to do and become personally fulfilling. Because what’s better than getting lost in the moment with your kid?
Have you thought about this before? Is it hard or easy for you to be sincerely playful with your children?
This is a great article, and I totally agree that we parents need to do as much as we can to engage our children in the ways they want to engage with us. It’s a great way to show that we appreciate and respect them as people, not burdens, and it gives them so much self-confidence because it acknowledges their personalities and things they deem important. One thing to be wary of, however, is allowing our kids to slip into the mindset that parents MUST always do as the child wants. As with everything else, there must be a balance. Kids should know they are appreciated, and they should be able to enjoy their parents, but they also have to know what boundaries are and when to apply them (such as at the supermarket).
Thanks, Raphael! Taylor is putting Oliver to bed, but I’m sure she’ll respond as soon as she gets to a computer. Thakns so much for reading and taking the time offer your thoughts! I at least totally agree that a balance is important. There definitely need to be boundaries. Hopefully, we’ll get to how we establish boundaries some time soon. The basics is that giving your kids NO boundaries never engages their ability to reason (just like being insanely authoritarian doesn’t engage their ability to reason), and we definitely think that’s a bad thing! What I got from this is making the most of those moments where it’s clear your child is asking for a little extra… however hard it might be in the moment.
James
Hi Rafael. Thanks so much for your thoughtful response! And thank you for reading. I definitely agree that there need to be some boundaries because there are simply things that, as adults who take care of children, we need to do, like grocery shopping. And, yes, those things can be incredibly challenging if a child is ALWAYS doing exactly what he or she wants. So I agree on the idea of balance. However, unfortunately, I think that in much of our society the scales are tipped so far in adults favor already that we have a lot of work to do to achieve actual balance. Children and young people have little choice in their day-to-day lives. They are constantly at the whim of us adults. Especially when they reach school-age and essentially have their lives programmed for them by adults. They go to school all day, attend classes they may or may not be interested in, come home and do homework, and then in some cases are toted from activity to activity. And I certainly don’t want to “prepare” my little ones for this kind of life by being afraid to engage with them too much when they’re small, lest they expect this when they’re older. Because, really, as humans, they deserve a ton of input on what they do with their time. So I definitely feel balance is important, and we can’t just drop EVERYTHING and always do as a child wants, but I think we are so far from an ideal balance for our kids and there’s much progress to be made! Thanks again for joining our conversation, Rafael!
Hey Taylor,
I’ve been reading your articles as they come, and I think it’s great what you’re doing with Oliver. This article reminded me of the Sandlot movie. when the kid wants to play catch with his step dad and he seemed so uninterested… and you could just see the disappointment in the kid’s face. So good luck in your efforts, and I can’t wait to see how Oliver grows with the two of you.
Thanks for the encouragement, Jackie!! I’m so glad you’re reading and hope you will continue. Looking forward to the chance for you to meet Oliver someday!
This has really given me a lot to think about. I can totally relate to your example of “remotely engaging in building a block tower;” how it’s better than nothing, but there’s the underlying knowledge that sitting on the floor, halfheartedly block-laying is not really playing. Yet, it can be hard to really focus on creatively playing with a child when one has so many things to accomplish in the day. I think it’s awesome that you’ve made prioritizing play your goal for March. I can just picture you, in the kitchen, looking at the floor and saying, “You know what, floor? I can sweep you later. Right now we are ruuuunnnniiiinnnggg.” What a worthwhile, and very fun goal. You’ve inspired me to think about my own goals for the upcoming month.
I also must say that the issue of meeting my child where he is is something that I deal with every day. But with that I must end this, because said child just woke up and he is needing his momma.
I’m so happy this was thought-provoking for you, Lizzy. I know it might seem like an obvious point – play with your kids – but it’s not so obvious when we think about what it means to truly play with our kids and to be 100% engaged in that play. I really think it fills their souls and believe that it will lead to more confidence and, security, and healthy independence when they’re older. But for now, they’re little, and don’t need to be independent. They need us! I love picturing you and Kai playing together as he grows older!